Sex in a relationship has faded away — what to do besides divorce?

When it all started with fireworks, and now — silence

You lie next to each other, but there's a wall between you. Before, you couldn't keep your hands off each other, but now sex is something from a past life. Or maybe it never happened at all, even though you thought you were building exactly that kind of relationship. Sound familiar? According to statistics, many couples face this. And the first thing that comes to mind is, "That's it, it's over, we need to break up." But don't rush. There are other options.

The main thing worth doing: talk

It sounds banal, but it's precisely the lack of an honest conversation about sex that most often kills intimacy. We feel shy, afraid to offend, think it will "resolve itself." And then we simply stop understanding what's happening. The author of the original text, Heather Corinna from the Scarleteen project, emphasizes: an open and regular conversation about sex is not a luxury, but a foundation. Without it, we won't know what the partner wants, what we feel ourselves, and what problems have arisen.

It's important not just to talk, but also to listen. Not to immediately find a solution, but to understand each other. Sometimes the very fact that you sat down and discussed what's happening already triggers changes.

What to ask yourself and your partner

Here are a few questions worth asking to understand the situation. They will help both you and your partner understand what's really going on.

• Do I even want sex? Do I want it specifically with this person?
• How is my own sexuality? And how is ours — as a couple?
• Is there something in the relationship outside of sex that affects intimacy? Maybe we argue, have grown distant, don't spend time together?
• Are there other problems with intimacy: not enough tenderness, no emotional openness?
• Maybe something external is pressing: stress, fatigue, illness, loss, prohibitions?
• Have my desires changed over time?
• What do I want from sex and relationships right now? And can it be obtained in this relationship?

These questions are not a compatibility test, but a way to understand where to go next.

If sex never happened

It happens that a relationship was intended to be sexual, but for some reason never became so. This is not always a tragedy. If you both feel that it didn't work out either in sex or in something else — perhaps it's better to simply part ways. And that's normal. Not every person with whom we try to build intimacy becomes truly close. To say honestly, "We didn't match, but I wish you happiness" — is not cruel, but mature.

If one feels a connection and the other doesn't — it's more complicated. The one who doesn't feel it may stay out of guilt. But a false connection prevents both from finding a real one. It's better to explain things gently but honestly. Sometimes it's worth parting gradually, rather than cutting ties abruptly.

And if you had a friendship, and you tried to add sex, but it didn't work out — you can return to friendship. That's also an option. Sometimes such a conversation only strengthens the connection that exists.

If sex existed but disappeared

Here many think, "That's it, only divorce." But that's not the only way out. You can:

• Part ways if sex was the only thing holding you together, or if the relationship has become toxic.
• Stay friends if you feel good together without sex.
• Try an open relationship — but only if you have a strong foundation: trust, honesty, and the desire of both. Openness doesn't cure the problem, but sometimes helps if sex is the only thing missing, and otherwise you are happy.

Important: open relationships require even more honesty than usual. And they don't suit everyone.

Why breaking up because of sex is not shameful

Society often considers that leaving a partner because of sex is superficial. But that's not true. Sex and sexuality are a deep part of us. It's not food or water, but touch is important for a person. If for years you don't receive the intimacy you need, and you can't get it with anyone else (if the relationship is closed), that's a big loss. And breaking up for this reason is just as legitimate as for disagreements about having children or lack of emotional connection.

Don't let anyone devalue your feelings. If sex is important to you — it's important. Period.

And if you decide to stay together in a different format or part ways — give yourself time to live through this loss. It may be sad, but it's the path to a more honest life.