Are you sure your relationship is sexual? Check yourself

When you think about your relationship, what word comes to mind? Partnership? Romantic? Or maybe sexual? It would seem, what's so difficult — if you sleep with a person, then the relationship is sexual. But in reality, it's much more complicated, and this confusion sometimes leads to hurt and misunderstanding.

Sex is not just about "sleeping together"

A sexual relationship is not just one scenario. Some have sex every day, some once a month, and some only exchange erotic messages. For some, sex is literally everything, for others it's just a small part of a big and warm connection. It happens that people are together only for sex and nothing else connects them. And it happens that sex is an addition to friendship or romance. And all these options are normal.

There is no "right" way to be in a sexual relationship. There is no obligatory frequency, no obligatory set of practices. All that makes a relationship sexual is what you and your partner (or partners) invest in this concept.

Did you even agree?

Here's where the most interesting part begins. Often people consider their relationship sexual simply by default. For example, because "well, how else, we're a guy and a girl." Or because they once slept together a long time ago. Or because in romantic relationships sex is implied by itself. But is that really the case?

A sexual relationship is not only what happens in bed, but also what you have agreed upon. Sometimes people don't discuss this issue at all, and then are surprised why expectations didn't match. One thinks that they have something serious and sex is an important part, while the other perceives it as a fleeting infatuation. Or vice versa: both think that sex is not the main thing, and then someone starts to feel unwanted.

Why "just sex" is not "just"

In our society, it is often customary to devalue the sexual side of a relationship. Many are sure that if you are upset by the lack of sex or its quality, it's shameful, petty, and frivolous. That real problems are lack of love, attention, or time. And sex is just a pleasant addition.

But that's not true. If sex is important to you, if you want it in your life and in your relationship, then its absence is not a "minor inconvenience." It can be truly painful, hurtful, and lonely. And these feelings have the same right to exist as worries about lack of communication or tenderness. Years of experience of sex educators show: people often say that breaking up because of sex is frivolous. But if sex was an important part of the connection, then its loss is a very real reason for sadness and even for separation.

So what to do?

First, stop being ashamed of your desires. If you need sex, if you want to feel desired and close, that's normal. Second, talk to your partner. Not in the format of "you don't want me," but honestly: "It's important to me that we have sexual intimacy. How do you feel about that? What is important to you?" Perhaps you will discover that you have different ideas about what a sexual relationship is. And that's not a sentence — it's a point of growth.

Third, if you feel that your relationship has ceased to be sexual, and this is important to you, don't devalue your feelings. You have the right to sadness, to disappointment, to the desire to change something. And you have the right to talk about it, even if someone thinks it's "unimportant."

Sex is not shameful. It's part of life. And if you lack it, it doesn't mean you're a superficial person. It means you're alive.